An Amazon’s Revolt

In West Sussex you will find
A farm with farmer who is kind
Untill that is his friend comes round
Then all is lost and mayhem takes the ground

Farmer John’s a kindly man
To live in peace that was his plan
Till his mate Claude soon changed all that
And Mrs Farmer John got cross

This Claude he is a pheasant chap
But gets into all kinds of scraps
Then Farmer John goes to his aid
You think they are quite tough

Now Farmer John makes cider as all good farmers do
He shares it in the evenings with Claude you know who
Sitting in their deckchairs underneath the stars
These two will sit there drinking and dream away for hours

They talk about adventures and things that must be done
Of what they’ve seen of tv and their hero’s having fun
What they would do if they were them how clever they would be
Then they start on movie themes not a good move you’ll see

It’s when they start their singing that FJ’s wife objects
The noise it so horrendous she could wring their necks
Farmer John he sings off-key while Claude goes cauky cauk
Then up they get and start to dance with garden forks

Next they come to fighting each plays his hero’s part
Farmer John likes Zorro and rides ‘Sid’ the big cart-horse
And just like El Zorro he rides ‘Sid’ back to front
Sid just sigh’s he thinks they’re mad as he trots round and round

Whilst Farmer John with mask and two sticks for his swords
Yells ‘take that and that’ at Claude from on his horses back
But often he will fall off in the middle of a fight
Then they stop to pick him up it’s such a funny sight

Now that is bad enough you think alas that’s not the case
It’s Claude who upsets FJ’s wife with the tractor he will race
Well Bond must have his fast car to cover lots of ground
He zooms around the farmyard at such a speedy pace

When Mrs FJ hears this she’s really had enough
She marches up to Sid and stops this kind of stuff
Farmer John is sent off to his bed by his suffering wife
Who quickly turns to sort out Claude who runs off for his life

She puts away the tractor puts Sid into his stall
Folds away the deck chairs and tidies up the lawn
Huh they think their hero’s big and bold and bluff
But they can’t oust this Amazon I’m made of sterner stuff……

© Michael Douglas Bosc

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